bits and pieces

(originally posted 2/24/17)

Zambia. My thoughts for this Friday evening…

Friends, I am getting SO excited. Also nervous, scared, thankful, overwhelmed, confused, sad, loved, and a little dash of everything else in between.

I feel like God has just continued to put this on my heart. Zambia, the culture, the people, the souls. Each year, I know a group who is going and it’s a constant dialogue with the Lord of “okay, is this for me this year? What’s the plan, God, where do you need me?” The last two years have been a no-go; I have certainly wanted to go, but it just hasn’t been His plan.

 This winter I had been processing next steps, the feeling was there and it was strong, things kept happening and coming up that were saying “ahhh it might be time soon.” I had a conversation, okay many conversations, with my supervisor Emilie about dreams and hopes and goals and all that for our relationship with Zambia. How could God use me? What did He need? And then there was this gravitation, this yearning that said/thought/called “What about now? What about something different? What about listening?”

Listening. I am learning to listen. I like to talk, I like to try to grapple with English words to paint my heart- I am not great at it. The language of “soul” it tricky to put into English words, I try, I can tell when I am heard; I can feel it when I hear someone else in their “soul” language (and oh it is so beautiful and such a precious gift to find people who are really good at speaking soul in English words- shout out to Ann Voskamp and Kiri).

 I want to listen. I want to understand to the best of my ability- not just through what my lens is, but to put on some sort of “Zambian culture lens” in order to hear, validate, and understand better. To know souls and to know how to best reach souls, to speak the same language of Christ’s love and mercy. I want to feel more equipped when I return in the future, to know how to best speak Zambia soul; to know how to best support schools, volunteers, pastors, children. I want to spend time, give presence, and listen. I am so thankful for this opportunity to hear.

I am getting a little (very) anxious about bits and pieces of the trip. There’s the logistics- me traveling there alone, making it to a hotel in Johannesburg for a layover, finding my bags, finding my gates, making it through the customs and all that with the correct paperwork about vaccinations and name changes and all that weird stuff. There’s the “I don’t actually know where/who I am staying with yet, I don’t know where/when I may have access to internet (ridiculous, I know), I don’t know if there will be snakes or creepy crawlies (okay, I know they are there, I just don’t know if I will have an awful encounter…ahem anxious hang-up), I don’t know what the expectations of me will be, I don’t know if I will have to go to the store myself to get bottled water, I’m not sure where I will get food, I don’t know where I will keep track of my money, I haven’t scheduled in-country flights yet….blah blah blah, worry, worry, worry. (this will probably be an on-going part of posts…)

Jesus, you’ve got this. I find it so ironic that I have suddenly become so fixated on snakes (oy-the symbolism!). I could make sandtrays about it, I should and I probably will- maybe then I can stop dreaming about them and actually sleep at night again instead.

Anyways. I have the whole grab bag of feelings. Because that is the way God created me. And I want to share them, I want to authentically sit on the steps of my soul and speak the feelings, I want to feel validated and I know I need prayer. I don’t want to put on any show or mask, I want to genuinely feel. It just means some days I may need extra episodes of “This is Us” so I can cry lots of tears, Jesus remind me to feel. Give me the strength and vulnerability to let my heart break for what breaks yours, I want to feel it. I want to love just like you. 

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Thanks for checking into my journey, thank you for your support and prayers. This journey will have lots of processing pieces, scattered, jigsawed, and all that jazz. Welcome to the steps of my soul.