lessons

I have had the greatest 8 weeks. Preparing for the trip, the 30 days there, and the time I have been home. Wonderful. Certainly not absent of pain or struggles, but wonderful. I am so thankful for the extended time in Zambia- I have learned so much. I can appreciate the people and the culture in an entirely different, more complex and authentic way.

I have learned about me. I have learned about my marriage, the ways I depend on others, the ways God crafted us for vulnerable relationship. I have a new appreciate for vulnerability and how hard, how wonderful it is. I have a renewed appreciation for my clients and families and the trust that they place in me and our relationships.

I have learned about grace. I have learned more about shame and how to expose it to light, how to snuff it out with whispers from the Lord about who I am and who I am created to be. I have learned the devil is never going to disappear, but I am getting better at catching his lies and calling him out for the liar he is.

I have learned about my habits, my comforts, my patterns in behavior. I love walks. I love, love tortilla chips. I love reading and going to bed early. I really surprised myself when I found I enjoyed aerobics classes- especially considering the crammed space and lack of air conditioning (but people were supportive and fun and we listened to killer 90s hits). I run off music and sunshine. I really appreciate the smell of candles and a hot shower. I rekindled my desire to cook and eat fresh foods. And I love snapping my fingers and busting out some dance moves and random song notes during the workday.

I learned about how to fuel my holy discontent instead of how to burn out from it. I learned about Moses and how God creates us, shapes us, and uses our feelings for good- for motivation, for His will.

I came home and instead of having a tough time being angry at the world and materialism and the “no one gets it” attitude, I had so much grace. Grace for myself, our fallen world, and other people. My heart still broke in many ways, but I don’t feel as helpless or empty. I treasure my relationship with my husband. TREASURE it. I am thankful for deep, strong friendships and a tribe that loves me.

We’re all a part of the same culture at the end of the day. A human culture where we all long to be loved, appreciated, respected, and heard. I pray for more chances to make sure people know to their core who they are, in whose image they are made and that they are so worth it and treasured. And that’s a message that can be sent in every area code, every day.

It’s good to be home, but I’ll be back soon. 

home.sick

This is extra short- I apologize I have been neglecting my blog!

I arrived back home on Friday June 30th and have spent some amazing days with family and friends. I will certainly be posting more later- there are SO many experiences I want to share with you. However, for now it will be just a slow trickle.

My colleagues Emilie and Catherine met me in Lusaka on Wednesday June 21st. We led a conference  on counseling children on Thursday in Lusaka and again on Tuesday in Ndola. Unfortunately, I also got pretty sick from Saturday June 24th-Saturday July 1st. Like, unable to participate sick. I had made the mistake of drinking the water and was fine for the first four weeks, but I must have gotten into something bad at the tail end of the trip and wound up in the clinic making sure I didn't have malaria.

Thankfully I am doing much better and have made my way back into the office. I am so, so thankful for the smooth adjustment and for health and delicious food! Thank you for all of your prayers, I will continue to post as I process.

I think part of the illness was God forcing me to give up some control and just trust him. It also made the thought of coming home much easier- I think if I hadn't gotten sick it would have been much more difficult to leave. I didn't realize how much I missed home until I got home and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Oh, I am so thankful for my loving husband and family and friends!

And (Lord willing) I am planning on heading back next year, with Pierce. And I cannot wait!

More later :)

stuck in sap

YIKES. I’m about to get political here friends. I fully understand that this is not my intention of this blog, but I just can't not talk about this for the sake of trying to avoid offending someone. You most certainly do not have to agree with me, I only pray that you can hear my heart in this and respect my own perspective. I am thankful that God creates us each with our own perspectives and I pray we can carefully hear one another and work together for the sake of humanity. 

............

I am here, in another country, trying to encourage people here to become advocates to things that are happening in their own nation that are unjust. There is so much corruption in the government and services here, and children are not properly cared for. And then nothing happens most of the time. I’m over here, half amped and half beyond frustrated and then I realize—many of the people in this country are doing the same thing I do back home. Turning off the news, pretending I can’t do a thing about the state of our government and leadership, and hiding in a book or trying to drown my feelings in music and tortilla chips and chocolate.

Shut the front door. Oh Jesus, how you hold me accountable today. 

I went to a large community this week called Chifubu. They are very poor. There is one clinic that serves thousands of people. People wait for hours to be seen. And I hear a statistic, that I don’t know if is correct/if I understood it correctly, that 75% of the children in this community are affected by HIV- they are either positive themselves or have a caregiver who is positive. I can’t believe that. I want to scream, and heave, and wail. I tried to check that fact with others from Jubilee and are still wanting to confirm it for sure- my mind is arguing that this can’t be true, maybe they were saying that out of the people who come in for testing (which is not everyone in the community and more likely to be people who are sick and already experiencing symptoms) that 75% are them are affected by a positive status- themselves or a parent? I asked Martha to call the clinic and verify the parameters of this statistic, and her response was that "what it actually means is that 75% of the children who are tested at the clinic are HIV positive. So, I am not sure, there isn't clear data. But the idea that it could be any percent at all just gets me furious. And then there is everything else they face- malaria and tuberculosis are practically regarded as the common cold. Everything is covered in poverty; the children can’t even afford to go to school. Also, often children will be HIV positive, their parents don’t tell them, and so when they are taking their ARV meds they have no idea what it is or why they are taking it. People don’t talk about it. Fear- the sticky, sap-like substance that makes gravity ten times it's actual pull. And it spreads like wildfire. Adults are unfaithful to their spouses and are unwilling to tell their own spouse their status for fear of being left. Often older men will have many young girlfriends in the community and still be married.

There is a type of alcoholic drink called chibuku that is sold in giant cartons for 2 or 5 kwatcha, aka 20 or 50 cents. It contains the filling substance of mealie meal so it is basically a very filling drink you can get drunk off for pennies. Sounds like their own "tortilla chips and chocolate" to me- can I be surprised that they want to drown out the pain of their circumstances? 

I am scratching my own head wallowing in my own realization of how complacent I have become in my own country’s happenings because the majority of things that take place in government have almost no effect on me. But they affect my friends, my colleagues, my kids who I see for counseling. Education budget cuts affect ALL children- why the heck do I pretend it isn’t happening? They children in the US can’t do anything to advocate for these things- who will do it? Why don’t I? Here I am praying and expecting people in Zambia to be moved to advocate for injustice, but what does my own record show in my own country? 

I am asked day in and day out about American politics and what I think about this and what I think about that. I am hearing that Trump is trying to deport Christian Iraqis to the Middle East, where death is almost certain. I see that they have committed past crimes, some decades ago. But I also see it was decades ago, some of these infractions are quite minute and they have already paid their debts under Obama, and that many are now in Christ and have families here and many are in process to legal citizenship. What is the current threat? What about our education budget cuts- so many crucial programs being ripped out of the hands of our youth? 

How does this serve us? Fear. Accountability. What will be done, who will stand up? Who feels stuck in sap? What makes your blood cry out for Jesus and justice?

After two weeks of pretty much no chocolate and certainly no tortilla chips, I have actually lost weight. And last night I was so fed up that we drove to pick n pay so I could pick up some white bread, peanut butter, mango jam and juice, cadbury chocolate, and some very salty peanuts. SAP. I confess my sap. I don't want to do anything about it, I just want to sit and wallow, but I know I have to. 

What is your sap? Why are you in it? 

shine bright like a diamond

 (Okay, so this first part will be content-based to give you an update of some day-by-day things and the second part will be process-based about where my heart is.)

I spent the rest of last week at another “transit” home called The Adoption Society. At the moment, there are 8 children living there- 5 boys and 3 girls. There are only three caregivers on staff at this time- that means there is either one or two women working per shift; in charge of supervising the children, doing the laundry by hand, cooking the food (which often takes hours), bathing the children, and everything else. This organization is presently only funded by “well-wishers” but in the past they were supported by a church in the Netherlands. I am not completely certain why this partnership ended, but it seems that it had been going on for many years and I suspect that the Netherlands was hoping that the Zambians would do more to become self-sustaining and keep consistent reports on how they were using their funds. Again, just my suspicions. 

Initially, my hope was to work with the caregivers to love on them and encourage them, but also to help educate them about how to best care for the children’s psychological needs. I did spend some time doing this, but it became apparent that they have already been stretched so thin and their focus seemed to continually gravitate back toward "we need money." So, instead, we were able to come up with a plan for a few of the women who have been trained by the Jubilee Centre in counseling children to stop by once or twice a week to provide this type of service for the children.

 I spent some time with each of these counselors (both named Rhoida ;) ) in order to check-in on how their practices are going and educate them on a few more strategies and techniques I might use in counseling. They were so receptive and hungry for more information! I plan on meeting with each of them again this week at their own clinics to see what a typical day looks like for them. They were so energized for the Lord and so thankful for some additional suggestions; it inspired me!

There have been so many pieces this time around. I am so, so thankful for more time here to see more and to listen more. In the same breath- wow- so many feelings. There are absolutely incredible people here doing amazing things in the name of Christ, yet there is so much that works against them. And then there are many churches and people who believe they are doing the work of God, but it is driven out of fear and judgement. And then there are massive barriers born out of corruption and desire for control. It’s insanity- it’s everywhere; in the government, in social services, in churches- everywhere. And it just seems to continue on, people know it’s there and they don’t like it, but it’s like they see no other way. It seems “thinking outside the box” is almost a sin here- children are taught to be respectful and do as they are told, to not ask questions or wonder. People continue to do the same thing day after day, generation after generation, because it would be disrespectful not to. This message is also weaved into many of the churches and what it means to be seen as a Christian- if you suffer you are not supposed to tell anyone about it- you will either be ridiculed for having such little faith or people will tell you to get over it. I believe there are good intentions, and I also believe that many people are in their own survival mode. 

So these are some of my own interpretations thus far- they cannot be written in stone. I am one person with one view and I may be wrong in how I see this. There are others who I have processed with who see these things as well, but I am certain that some other Zambians could read this and become very angry. I mean no disrespect; I am simply trying to make sense of it in order to see the big picture of connections that allow things to run the way they run.

For example: the majority of the children who are in the transit home are not actually in transit. They are not available for adoption. Two of the boys are there because their mothers are mentally ill. One of them was actually in process of being adopted and had met with his prospective adoptive parents many times, but the government worker said that because the mother was mentally ill, she was not capable of giving consent to sign off her rights of him. So the process stopped. He has been in the transit home since he was only a year old, now he is four. What is his story going to be? If the adoptive parents had paid off the government worker, bribing, would the process have been completed? I don’t know, I don’t know what his fate will look like. But I am irritated- this means he will be in limbo? He can’t live with his mother, but he can’t be adopted- so he has to live at a transit home for the rest of his childhood without an understanding of family? And there is no caseworker or anything assigned to him who is working to get him into a family or find a solution for him. The social worker, Nissi, from Jubilee Centre has noticed a change in his disposition- he knows that something has happened; he knows he hasn’t seen those prospective parents anymore, but he doesn’t know why. He appears to be quite ambivalent, but by the end of the first day I spent with him he would take my hand and lead me to the swings for me to push him. This sweet little heart, trying to make sense of a world that even to an adult, just doesn't make sense. 

This is just one example out of what seems like endless examples of frustration. And in the midst of all of this frustration, I am reminded why I am here. I spent a good deal of time on Saturday sitting outside in the sun reading the book Holy Discontent by Bill Hybels of Willow Creek. The Lord orchestrates perfect timing- I could feel my heart resting in his hands. This book talks about how to lean in to the things that you just can’t stand- how to be empowered to do something about it and to continually seek God’s grace and mercy in the process. I know what my discontent is- oppression and children being maltreated, however I can get so wrapped up in my own feelings that I just get stuck and overwhelmed in anger or I try to numb the feelings myself instead of surrendering it to the Lord.

            Here are a few excerpts from the book:

“If you expose yourself to all that’s broken in our world but neglect to view the brokenness from Heaven’s perspective (which promises that everything is in the process of being restored) then you’ll get sucked into an impossible downward spiral of aggravation and anger. Things will seem so bleak that you’ll wind up taking up residence inside your firestorm or frustration instead of allowing it to propel you toward positive action.”

“I think it’s entirely possible for us to rest in God’s promise for a better day-one in which there will be no compassion fatigue, no antidepressant pills, and no grumbling bellies in Southern Asian kids- while we work our tails off to usher it in! In fact, when you live out of the energy of holy discontent – elbowing your way past the troubles and struggles and injustices surrounding you in determined pursuit of the “better things” God has promised in his restoration plan-all of heaven will rejoice!”

Amen!

Ephesians 1: 8-10

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

What are the works that God is calling you to? What is something that you can’t stand? How can you lean into it, instead of away, allowing yourself to be transformed by God’s peace? I am truly feeling a peace and at the same time a conviction to press into this feeling, to surrender it to God and follow where he leads. How else would anything get done- if not you, who? How is the Lord training us in the same ways he trained Moses- to be a defender of our freedoms in Christ? 

It's hard. But it's so good. This is what we are created for. 

...................................................

And now it's time for Illustrative songs with Mavis, the part of the blog where Mavis comes out and sings an illustrative song (Yes folks, this is my take on Veggie Tales). 

Here and now I'm in the fire,
In above my head
Oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh
Being held under the pressure,
Don't know what'll be left
Oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh
But it's here in the ashes
I'm finding treasure

He's making diamonds, diamonds
Making diamonds out of dust
He is refining in his timing
He's making diamonds out of us

I'll surrender to the power
Of being crushed by love
Oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh
Till the beauty that was hidden
Isn't covered up
Oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh
Oh it's not what I hoped for
It's something much better

He's making diamonds, diamonds
Making diamonds out of dust
He is refining in his timing
He's making diamonds out of us

Oh the joy of the Lord
It will be my strength
When the pressure is on
He's making diamonds

Oh the joy of the Lord
It will be my strength
When the pressure is on
He's making, he's making

He's making diamonds, diamonds
Making us rise up from the dust
He is refining in his timing
He's making diamonds out of dust
Making diamonds out of us

I won't be afraid to shine
I won't be afraid to shine
I won't be afraid to shine
Cause he's making diamonds out of dust
Making diamonds out of us

Eagles Wings

Oh my stinkin’ heart.

I have to tell you about my day yesterday, I am over the moon people!

I visited another NGO that the Jubilee Centre is in connection with, it is called Eagles Wings and it began as a school and there is also a transit home on the premises. Jubilee Centre has an amazing social worker, Nissi, who keeps in contact with many other agencies and churches as well as the government social services in things such as foster care and adoption.

We arrived at Eagles Wings and met with the director Lackosn. He explained some of the backstory to Eagles Wings to me first. He began a new church after he moved to a new area, maybe around 2001. It was small and had members from a local, very poor community attend. He had a friend who is a missionary from the Congo come to visit and she was so moved by his church she donated some Bemba (common language) Bibles to the congregation. When Lackosn was showing the church these bibles, they appeared disappointed and lamented that they could not read. He was shocked- he would have never guessed. So he began teaching some of the women from the community how to read and then children began attending. Again, he wondered why they were not in school. Families explained to him that they did not have any income or work so they could not pay to send their children to the government schools (they are required to purchase uniforms and shoes). This is how the school began- now they have about 30-35 students per grade, with a primary and secondary school. They even had full science labs and a computer lab. Children from the village who are in the most need are identified and vetted to join the school. The school can only allow one child per family to attend. They also have classes for tailoring and are beginning knitting classes in order to educate village members so they are able to have a trade and create goods to sell for a profit. The profit will help them to get food or send their other children to a local government school. Since the school began, they have now successfully had children graduate and attend University. There are also children who lived in the transit home who have now returned to Eagles Wings after their schooling is complete to work.

After Lackosn began teaching, he met a boy who attended his classes that was directly from the streets with no home to call his own. Lackosn took him in to his own home and after a few days, the boy confided in him about what life on the streets was actually like. Lackosn’s heart broke. The boy also told Lackosn that he was very worried for another boy who had just recently come to the area from Lusaka, usually in the night this boy would be the protector for the new boy. Lackosn and the boy went into the village and picked him up as well. Eventually this became a transit home and they are now trying to use foster care in order that instead of using a transit home, the orphans can be living in families. This is where Jubilee Centre comes in- Nissi, the social worker, meets with prospective foster families and trains them with materials provided to her from Bethany Christian Services.

Eagles Wings has some official connection with Australia- it sounds like there is another branch of EW there. Australia sends mission groups a few times a year- one for building, one for setting up a medical clinic, and one that takes some of the children from the village on a trip to Livingstone to see Victoria Falls and elephants and everything else. Eagles Wings now has 35 employees- teachers, directors, and a social worker.

I had the privilege of spending most of my time with Ngoie, the social worker there. She works with the government social services and within the community to assist families and identify children who may qualify to attend the school or live in the transit home. I am blown away by the kind of work she does, and especially that she does it on her own. Emotionally, it is very tough work. She did confide that there are days that she just closes her office door and cries, to which I told her I have had the same experience. The difference is that I work at a place with other workers who are gifts from God that allow me to really, truly be me in their presence in my most vulnerable moments without an ounce of fear of judgement. This is a bit counter cultural in Zambia- often their guards are up. We discussed the possibility that perhaps she and Nissi could begin some sort of Social Workers support group or something in order to support, validate, and encourage one another.

The best part—I was able to bring some supplies with of interventions I might use in the states and show her and practice them with her. Games, ways to help children understand how their brain works, practice deep breathing, and to practice noticing their own feelings and body awareness. Then, we were able to meet with some of the children from the transit home, one-on-one as if it was a regular counseling session. For some she observed the way I interacted with the children, and for some I observed her and coached along the way. It was so incredible- and it worked! One of the children really opened up about her past and her feelings and ways that it can interfere with her schoolwork/studies. I was able to validate and normalize this for her. I was so honored by her vulnerability and so thankful to God for the relief she reported experiencing, just after talking about it for a few minutes. 

The passion and fire in these girls I met- I just cannot even try to explain it. Oh, I LOVE my job and I love the way the Lord heals through relationship. What a beautiful, life-reviving day.

Jesus, you are so, so good. 

a different experience

 

Alright! I apologize I haven’t update on here sooner; today is the first day I have actually used my computer. Here is a little update on what has been going on the last few days and what is to come…

--Background on people...I am here for service trip for Winning at Home. We have a partnership with the Jubilee Centre here- an NGO that works with 107 churches. Pastor Lawrence and Martha Temfwe founded the Jubilee Centre. One of their sons, David, and his wife Abby, are my hosts during my time here (They met in Chicago while they were each attending University). David does media for the Jubilee Centre and Abby works as a teacher at Simba International School.---

1. Travel. Flights, baggage, everything went SO well- thank you so much for all of the prayers. Time seemed to go by quickly, I was able to use wifi in Johannesburg and make it to my overnight hotel all by myself, and I landed in Ndola right in time for the day to begin on Thursday.

2. Arrival. I arrived Thursday and didn’t have anything “scheduled” until today (Monday). Martha picked me up from the airport and dropped me off at Abby and David’s flat to unpack and get settled until Abby came home from school. Their home is beautiful and very similar to a home in the US, a little different than places I have stayed in the past. On Thursday evening, I attended an “aerobics” class at a local gym with Abby- it was great! It was a combination of aerobic step and abs, and then I spent some time on the treadmill while Abby and some of the other attendees did more strength training. It was kind of funny- I have never voluntarily attended a workout class in the States, and doing one in Zambia was not something I ever expected, but it was fun. That night Abby and I got to spend some time getting to know each other and processing what my previous Zambia experiences had been like (and processing how this so far was incredibly different!)

3. Friday. Martha was encouraging me to rest on Friday, which I initially thought I would not need, and then ended up being incredibly grateful for it. Around 3pm I went to town with some of the staff from Jubilee Centre in order to arrange for some way to be able to use my phone. I was able to get a SIM card from a local provider and buy “talktime” that I can use for data on my phone while I am here- I just need to update/purchase the data time as I go. This was a HUGE answer to prayer as it was so odd not saying goodnight to my husband in any fashion whatsoever- no call, no face, no text…It was an odd few days of feeling very invisible/disconnected. Friday after Abby returned from work we went over to her friend Gabi’s house with Abby’s neighbor, Asia. As we sat outside and caught up, I sat back and realized again, this was not the “Zambia” experience I am familiar with. Here I was, not in a skirt, talking to women who have professional jobs, homes, are middle/upper class, and from a variety of ethnic and religious backgrounds. My brain was reeling…So here were all of these subcultures all within the frame of upper/middle class Zambia, and each person with their own perspective and beliefs. Most of my experience here has been in the villages, with mostly “true” Bemba Zambians (a tribe) from a lower class socioeconomic background.

4. Saturday. I slept in again- hooray! And then we went to a pool. I was highly confused. How can I wear a swimsuit here when I am used to long skirts!? And we didn’t have a male with us, and we drove there ourselves, and we didn’t exactly know how to get there…It was myself, Abby, Asia, and another one of their friends, April. April is from Atlanta, but lived in Chicago and Zambia the last 5 years or so. We packed a full picnic and chicken to “braii” or barbeque. Again, it was another great opportunity to meet some awesome girls and process their takes on life in Zambia and everything else in between. We ended up being the only ones at the pool as well, so it made for a pretty relaxing day. After we got home, we took showers and ordered some curry from Starscape, a local amazing restaurant. We fixed some rice and “chi pates” (kind of like flour tortillas) to go with our curries. Delish! I got in some reading and research and went to bed early.

5. Sunday. Abby, David, and I went to a service at Renewal Church. Pastor Lawrence and Martha have started this church and host it at the Jubilee Centre at 8am on Sunday. We began with worship, a message from the children, and Pastor Lawrence led a message on happiness vs joy. We read from Philippians 1: 1-11 about Paul’s joy while he was in prison. Pastor Lawrence presented joy as a “quiet confident assurance of God’s love for you” and how it is impossible for us to even fathom what God has in store for us. Lawrence also discussed how when we are in Christ we are a new creation and adopt a new culture. This hit home for me- my goal is to understand more of traditional Zambian culture and the relationship between it and Christian culture.

After church, I rested and spent some more time in prayer and research. I reviewed the current manual that has been written for the Jubilee Centre to train/assist pastors in counseling children here in the villages. David brought home a homemade braii stand for Abby the day before, so we used it for dinner to grill some chicken, sausage, bacon, and steaks. We also had a salad and a pasta salad. Asia came for dinner as well as a few of David’s friends; Louiando and Louito.

6. Today. Here I am on Monday- back at the Jubilee Centre pondering what on earth God is doing. My mind is blown, it has been so awesome to see another side of Zambia, but it is also confusing. I think most of what I have learned in this last weekend will be a “bookmark” of sorts as it doesn’t directly pertain to what is in the counseling manual that I am hoping to revise/add cultural implications to. This manual is for use for pastors within the Jubilee Centre who are often working with orphans and vulnerable children.

Today I also received a tentative schedule of what is planned for during my time here:

Tuesday 6^th: Visit and observed at Eagles Wings Orphanage (observe structure,

practices, hear the background of the organization, etc)

Wednesday 7^th:  Eagles wings again- making suggestions and training some of the

workers there in understanding the psychological/social needs of children

Thursday 8^th: Adoption Society Orphanage (observe structure,

practices, hear the background of the organization, etc)

Friday 9^th: Adoption Society- provide some training, feedback as see fit

Saturday 10^th: Visit a current foster home (Pastor Phiri)

Sunday 11^th: Church, rest

Monday 12^th: Visit Josphine, a trained counselor at her clinic in Chifubu. Learn about

cultural implications, make suggestions as see fit

Tuesday 13^th: Meet with Rhoida Nyimbilli and Rhoida Magaba at their counseling clinic.

Learn about cultural implication, make suggestions as see fit

Wednesday 14^th: Visit the Church of God community school and feeding program

Thursday 15^th: Visit the Mapalo Bread of Life programs

Friday 16^th: Visit Ubusomboshi- church community school

Monday 19^th: Meet with Pastor Lawrence to discuss what I have observed so far-

recommendations for further growth, best practices, partnerships

Tuesday 20^th: Leave for Lusaka by road with Martha, visit trained counselors there

Wednesday 21^st: Emilie DeYoung and Catherine Mueller-Bell arrive in Lusaka, pick up

from airport

Thursday 22^nd: Go over the counseling manual with trained counselors in Lusaka,

                        discuss how to best care for teens with pastors and their wives

Friday 23^rd: Meet with Pastor Nixon and Vilees to see how programs are going, fly to

Ndola

Saturday 24^th: Do an all-day staff training for the Jubilee Centre employees

Sunday 25^th: Visit Mapalo Church of God

Monday 26^th: Review child counseling manual with trained counselors in Ndola

Tuesday 27^th: Meet with Pastors and their wives about best care for teens

Wednesday 28^th: Visit with trained counselors at clinic in Ndola, visit the Child Adoption

Center

Thursday 29^th: Begin travel process to US

-       This is all pretty content focused for now. I will need some more time for emotional processing; there are just so many pieces. I feel that my heart is truly at peace though and I am so thankful for that. I can most definitely feel your prayers working within me and around me- even just seeing this schedule come together today was such a blessing! I am so thankful to be here. I am sure there will be more posting to come,

Blessings,

Mavis

scrambled eggs

As previously stated, welcome to my heart. My scrambled-eggs heart.

This week has been a blur of SO many feelings, pretending to not have them, having all of them at once, and being SO loved on by friends and family that I am absolutely blessed by. Seriously, it's like your wedding day and you look back and realize how amazing your support system is, but you "can't/don't" in the moment because if you did, it would be so overwhelming and you would just crumble and weep and not get a single thing done.

I have had a long to-do list. And I have tried to hold my feelings about leaving (which are all of them, I have all of the feelings from so excited to nervous to blessed, to blaaaah), my family and friends' feelings, my clients' feelings, and my sweet husband's feelings. And there are just so many, so beautiful, so thankful, so many.

I ask for grace. If I have not seemed like myself-if I have seemed distant or zoned out or "trying too hard," you are so right, I have been. Not because I am not noticing how sweet you all are, not because I am wanting to be snarky, but just because I am surviving. It is so refreshing to be that real with people- when dear friends at work check in and see how I am doing and all I have to say is "scrambled eggs, I am all the of feelings, and all of the scramble" and they lovingly get it. AMEN!

I love that Jesus lets me be scrambled eggs, And He comforts me, and often he un-scrambles me. I know it will probably be awhile before I feel un-scrambled, and I want to be okay with that. I want to invite that, I want to invite what breaks His heart into mine and I would "ideally" like to do it without a wall up, but without feeling it all (yes, impossible, I know). Please pray for this balance. Please pray that He will bring the wall down and He will hold me as I feel it all.

Just a few more hours...(!) Blessings,
Mavis

"first post"

Hello all!

Welcome to the blog I will be using to prepare/process/update/debrief on while in Zambia this year. I have added a few posts from a previous blog as well to give a taste of what this process has looked like already and in previous trips. This will be my third time in Zambia,-my first trip was with Habitat for Humanity and Ridgepoint and the second was for Ridgepoint and Winning at Home. I am very excited to see some familiar faces while I am there!

Before we go any further, I will make a very honest statement here: I am not an English/grammer major. Nor do I care to be, this is not an essay for a grade. I am pretty good at putting my voice into things, and that is what this is. It's often messy, might be confusing at times, and could probably be judged along the way. My prayer is that you know this is my heart, please be gentle. 

Also- "Mapalo"- oh it's a great word in Bemba- it means "Blessing." Here's a little blurb from a past blog post that explains why I love this word....

The village our team worked in in Zambia in 2011 was named “Mapalo” which translates into “Blessing.” Sounds nice right? Here is a history on this village, now Mapalo, once called “Chipulukusu.”

“Chipulukusu in Bemba means “safe haven for criminals” – not exactly pride-worthy.  It got this name because around 20-30 years ago, people would commit crimes in Ndola (the closest city) and run to Chipulukusu to escape getting caught. As a result, the village was not well kept – and homes were built haphazardly and with very little resources.

As the years passed, more people moved into the community to live in these homes and rainy season after rainy season, the homes started to deteriorate.  Pretty soon this became a much bigger problem as the structures started collapsing and killing their inhabitants.  For the past 10-15 years, around 30 homes collapse each year taking 10-15 lives with them.

Habitat for Humanity has stepped in to help. Large progress has been made.

It was this improvement that spurred the community members to get together to change the name of their village – an attempt to wipe their troubled beginnings and provide hope to those around them.  The new name of the village is Mapalo, which in Bemba means “blessing.”

Blessings don’t often happen overnight. It takes careful, diligent planning to establish relief and rebuild a community. It takes effort-from more than one person. It takes time and commitment.

So- that's all for this morning, but I am sure more will be coming soon. I leave May 30th, so we are officially one week out and I am also officially starting my Typhoid and Malaria meds- hooray!

Blessings

Ms. Mavis

whiplash?

(originally posted 3/29/17)

My heart feels like a lone passenger on tilt-a-whirl lately. Sometimes I feel in control of the spinning, but usually not. Sometimes it goes dizzyingly fast and sometimes it gets annoyingly stuck, no matter how hard I try to sway the cart in a direction. Today I feel like both—stuck and detached yet uncontrollably whirling and spinning all at the same time.

Like my body has stopped, but my insides are all still moving. Like whiplash.

Is this a spiritual whiplash? But like the opposite, like a pre-lash?

I have not been feeling well lately (really it feels like all of the whole winter I haven’t felt well, overgeneralization, but for real). A friend said today “maybe it’s just stress.” My gut reaction was “but I have nothing to be stressed about, I just need to get over it, this isn’t a big deal.”

So I could try to bully myself out of my feelings right now, or I could just notice them and validate them…

Yes, I am stressed. No, I don’t want to be and my inner perfectionist doesn’t think its “valid” for me to be either. But in reality, I am trying really hard to mentally prepare for this trip as if it’s possible. It’s like I am trying to either process through all the emotions I haven’t had yet, or I am try to build a wall so I don’t feel them because I am afraid to feel them.

The last two times I have come home from Zambia I have been grumpy. Really grumpy. And weepy and unsettled. I WANT to be those things, and I don’t at the same time. I WANT Jesus to break my heart, and I don’t at the same time. The blurry- it’s beautiful and it’s hard.

I am better at clear boxes. Black or white, yes or no.

Exams.

Oh I get so excited about tests and “measuring what I have learned.” Make it something more abstract like “let’s examine your soul” and then I get a little queasier and a little less confident. Blurry.  Whiplash-y.

What does my soul look like to you, Jesus? Where do you see joy, where do you see pain? Do you see them in the same places I do, or do you see something else? Where am I blurry, what parts are blurry? Are they blurry to you? 

This is way harder than studying for an exam. I don’t know how to define “progress” – because when I start trying to “measure” things that’s usually a great indicator that I am looking down the WRONG road and trying to judge myself again. Faith certainly does not fit in a spreadsheet. I can’t “cram” for this. I can’t process and feel my whole trip before I go, and I certainly don’t want to put a wall around my heart to avoid feeling it when I am there.

My soul needs some Dramamine (aka drama-queen as my sister calls it)

Psalm 4

¹ Answer me when I call to you,
    my righteous God.
Give me relief from my distress;
    have mercy on me and hear my prayer.

² How long will you people turn my glory into shame?
    How long will you love delusions and seek false gods
³ Know that the Lord has set apart his faithful servant for himself;
    the Lord hears when I call to him.

⁴ Tremble and do not sin;
    when you are on your beds,
    search your hearts and be silent.
⁵ Offer the sacrifices of the righteous
    and trust in the Lord.

⁶ Many, Lord, are asking, “Who will bring us prosperity?”
    Let the light of your face shine on us.
⁷ Fill my heart with joy
    when their grain and new wine abound.

⁸ In peace I will lie down and sleep,
    for you alone, Lord,
    make me dwell in safety.

bits and pieces

(originally posted 2/24/17)

Zambia. My thoughts for this Friday evening…

Friends, I am getting SO excited. Also nervous, scared, thankful, overwhelmed, confused, sad, loved, and a little dash of everything else in between.

I feel like God has just continued to put this on my heart. Zambia, the culture, the people, the souls. Each year, I know a group who is going and it’s a constant dialogue with the Lord of “okay, is this for me this year? What’s the plan, God, where do you need me?” The last two years have been a no-go; I have certainly wanted to go, but it just hasn’t been His plan.

 This winter I had been processing next steps, the feeling was there and it was strong, things kept happening and coming up that were saying “ahhh it might be time soon.” I had a conversation, okay many conversations, with my supervisor Emilie about dreams and hopes and goals and all that for our relationship with Zambia. How could God use me? What did He need? And then there was this gravitation, this yearning that said/thought/called “What about now? What about something different? What about listening?”

Listening. I am learning to listen. I like to talk, I like to try to grapple with English words to paint my heart- I am not great at it. The language of “soul” it tricky to put into English words, I try, I can tell when I am heard; I can feel it when I hear someone else in their “soul” language (and oh it is so beautiful and such a precious gift to find people who are really good at speaking soul in English words- shout out to Ann Voskamp and Kiri).

 I want to listen. I want to understand to the best of my ability- not just through what my lens is, but to put on some sort of “Zambian culture lens” in order to hear, validate, and understand better. To know souls and to know how to best reach souls, to speak the same language of Christ’s love and mercy. I want to feel more equipped when I return in the future, to know how to best speak Zambia soul; to know how to best support schools, volunteers, pastors, children. I want to spend time, give presence, and listen. I am so thankful for this opportunity to hear.

I am getting a little (very) anxious about bits and pieces of the trip. There’s the logistics- me traveling there alone, making it to a hotel in Johannesburg for a layover, finding my bags, finding my gates, making it through the customs and all that with the correct paperwork about vaccinations and name changes and all that weird stuff. There’s the “I don’t actually know where/who I am staying with yet, I don’t know where/when I may have access to internet (ridiculous, I know), I don’t know if there will be snakes or creepy crawlies (okay, I know they are there, I just don’t know if I will have an awful encounter…ahem anxious hang-up), I don’t know what the expectations of me will be, I don’t know if I will have to go to the store myself to get bottled water, I’m not sure where I will get food, I don’t know where I will keep track of my money, I haven’t scheduled in-country flights yet….blah blah blah, worry, worry, worry. (this will probably be an on-going part of posts…)

Jesus, you’ve got this. I find it so ironic that I have suddenly become so fixated on snakes (oy-the symbolism!). I could make sandtrays about it, I should and I probably will- maybe then I can stop dreaming about them and actually sleep at night again instead.

Anyways. I have the whole grab bag of feelings. Because that is the way God created me. And I want to share them, I want to authentically sit on the steps of my soul and speak the feelings, I want to feel validated and I know I need prayer. I don’t want to put on any show or mask, I want to genuinely feel. It just means some days I may need extra episodes of “This is Us” so I can cry lots of tears, Jesus remind me to feel. Give me the strength and vulnerability to let my heart break for what breaks yours, I want to feel it. I want to love just like you. 

....................................

Thanks for checking into my journey, thank you for your support and prayers. This journey will have lots of processing pieces, scattered, jigsawed, and all that jazz. Welcome to the steps of my soul. 

Zambia 2014

(originally posted 5/16/14 after my second Zambia trip)

Impact

I was asked to write a piece on what type of impact was made on our trip- insert awkward turtles. I have no problem talking about how I feel or how I have been impacted, but I don’t like to say how I think other people are feeling. It’s awkward. I also do not like any kind of power imbalances. Inequality pushes me over the edge. The idea that anyone could ever be more important than anyone else or have more rights than anyone else just makes me mad. In some ways, ok most ways, I felt like we were treated like movie stars. Some kids even thought we were movie stars. We're white. We're “rich.” We're AMERICANS! Being looked at this way absolutely makes me cringe.

Our beautiful, fierce and fabulous team of women.

Here are a few examples of when I felt this power imbalance-and what I learned from it.

During church, one of the pastors offered that the American women would pray over any of the Zambian women who would like prayers. After the service I had a woman- probably in her sixties, ask me to pray for her because “she couldn’t pray.” She didn’t speak English so we used another woman to translate and I am still not sure if I understood her correctly, but she said she just couldn’t do, she lost her words anytime she tried to speak. Meanwhile, we were speaking…I reassured her that God does know her heart and he does hear her prayers even if she does not speak them out loud. She looked doubtful, but I had her repeat after me while we prayed and showed her that yes, in fact she could pray. Overall she made me feel uncomfortable. It was as if she believed I could talk to God on her behalf, and he could hear her if I was talking for her, but not if she was talking for herself. It breaks my heart to think she might see her worth that way.

The Baptist church we went to on our second week and met with the women of the congregation.

During the conference for counseling children in Ndola, our team members split up into individual tables to help facilitate discussion among the attendees. There was one table of three men that I honestly said to myself-I will take any table but that one. I felt threatened by them, I am not sure why. Lo and behold, that was the table I magically ended up at J They were so kind, so eager to have me at their table and to translate for me when necessary. They treated me like I was their daughter and they loving called me “sister.” The man to my left, Paul, became protective of me and made sure I got all of our pens and markers back that we had set out on the table to share (some other attendees were carefully slipping markers into their bags when no one was looking). We had a great time dancing and singing together during worship, it was a joy to share this experience with them.

 I couldn’t help but notice that two of my table mates, now pastors, continually talked about how they used to be drunks and do “terrible things” until they found Jesus. They seemed to be seeking my approval and Paul repeatedly talked of how incredible, kind, and generous Americans are. He really thought we were saints. Insert: feelings of incongruence, guilt, shame. I began to shake my head and explained to Paul that while we may be rich materially, we don’t come close to the generosity, connectedness, and spirituality of the men and women I have met in Zambia. And because I can have a problem with oversharing, I let Paul know I have done some pretty terrible things myself in my life, and I am still a daughter of the King. I am not sure what he thought of this, but I hope he felt some relief. I did.

 A few hours later, we had a grieving ceremony where we were all invited to light tea light candles in the center of our tables in memory of loved ones who have passed on and talk about the legacy they have left for us. We read some scripture and the footprints in the sand poem before the ceremony. Paul began at our table by lighting a few candles and sharing that all four of his children and all of his siblings have passed on-without shedding a single tear. As he passed the box of matches to me, and as I listened to “Bless the Lord O my soul, O my soul, worship His holy name… (10,000 reasons by Matt Redman), I broke down. Recently one of my best friends, with the most beautiful heart, lost her younger sister. My heart hurts for the Williams family. I pulled out an inspiration tag I made in memory of Halie Kay and shared how I will strive to feel every emotion completely and to love endlessly, without limits to continue Halie’s legacy.

Meanwhile, I couldn’t hold myself together. This was a difficult moment for me; I wrestled with the idea and expectation that I was supposed to be here for my table as a strong source of support and to help them grieve, but instead they were trying their hardest to comfort me. They shared their favorite verses with me (1 Corn 15; John 5:24, Psalm 23-also one of my favorites) and prayed over the Williams family for me. Paul continually said, “sister no more tears, she is with Jesus, there is nothing to be afraid of.” Paul has placed his entire world of trust in God to meet his needs and to comfort him with each loss. He explained that as long as he has a best friend in Christ, he has everything in the world and he will see his loved ones again very soon. One of the attendees lead us in worship and it felt like a weight lifted off of my shoulders. What a healing experience. What a blessing.

In some ways, I think that my outward display of emotion impacted these men. I allowed them to see me openly grieve (not like I controlled that, though) and I think it gave them permission to see me as an equal, another human with a heart. I hope I was able to build up their confidence as I shared with them how eternally grateful I was for their support and kindness.

My tablemates

I think sometimes we get caught up in the day-to-day tinnie-tiny differences and growth that is being made and we forget to see the impact we are having on a grand scale. Ridgepoint sponsors over 75 kids. The money for sponsorship allows children to pay their school fees and there is also some left over for food/investment for the family to use. An average family has 7 members. 75 kids x 6 other family members = 450 people. Ridgepoint works with the Jubilee Center, where the mission is to be the Salt and Light of the Earth. Jubilee works with 94 churches from Lusaka to Ndola. I don’t know what the average church population is, but if I had to guess I would think it would be at least 150. 94 churches x 150 members is 14,100 people. In the churches we visited, most also had “cell groups” and “support groups” that do bible study and that visit the sick and needy. One church out of those 94 churches that Jubilee Center works with has a volunteer system of over 100 volunteers that care for over 900 people who are sick with HIV, TB, or a combination of the two. They are literally the hands and feet of Jesus, caring for the needy. These volunteers have their own families too and many of them are HIV positive themselves. How many people are being served in Zambia as a direct result of the Jubilee Center? Or of any Christian organization?

If you were the only human being on the planet, Jesus would still die for your sins. You don’t need to be a part of a large statistic; you are worth his grace and love all by yourself. Each of these Zambian children and adults are just as worthy.

I cannot write one entry on the impact we may have had on Zambia or the impact Zambia will forever have on me. I could write a whole book-that is, if the readers would be ok with my random tangents and thoughts-I am not too good at organizing or censoring my thoughts. These are the things you can’t measure. These are the lessons and blessings that can only be experienced. When you feel like your heart is so close to Heaven as you hear beautiful voices singing hymns in another language-you don’t know the words, but you can just hear the emotion and the TRUST. That’s precious. When the same table of men who terrified me were staring into my soul praying that I would feel peace, that’s irreplaceable.

My hope is that this experience will allow me to love more deeply, to feel emotions more strongly, and to have continued trust in God each day that His will will be done in my life. I pray that sharing my journey so candidly will allow others to open up and feel it in the same way. I am confident that I will continue to have a renewed sense of purpose and passion for my interactions with families-adoptive, biological, foster, whoever. The alternative to living life with this much passion is so empty, so void of meaning.

 Thanks for being a part of my journey.

Blessings,

Mavis 

Zambia 2017

(this was originally posted on 2/13/17-- just wanted to add some of my previous posts to this blog)

Ok folks,

IT'S HAPPENING! And sooner than I feel like I can plan for... 

Below are some of the details of the trip and my fundraising letter. I will be also mailing this to some people (we moved in the last few weeks, so finding my address book is on my list, but it certainly hasn't happened yet). Please let me know if you would prefer a hard copy mailed to you. While pieces of me know that fundraising is a giant piece of this, the awkward, uncomfortable part of me hates this part and likes to avoid it. Because it means fully trusting God to provide. And I struggle sometimes to "accept" support; as a perfectionist in "un-training", my insecurity prefers to "do it myself."

I can't do this myself. I don't feel like I am even the one doing it- it's 100% the Lord. I am just thankful to be the medium and for the opportunity to love and trust without borders. 

I will continue to post as I prepare for the trip. Thank you for joining me! 
................................

I am so excited to share with you that I have signed up to return to Zambia this summer for a service trip with Winning At Home! It is a blessing to be given another opportunity to serve and foster the relationships I have already made at the Jubilee Center.

In the past, we have gone for about two weeks and usually have very time-targeted missions. For this trip I will go for a bit longer; I will be gone from May 30^th through the end of June. This extended time will give me an irreplaceable opportunity to learn and understand the culture in a more thorough way; which will help us most efficiently and effectively support this ministry. During my time, I will focus primarily on how Winning At Home can continue to support a newly developing counseling center, an interim home (a new sort of “foster care” system), volunteers, schools, and churches. I will be spending time in Ndola and Lusaka with the Jubilee Center, founded by Pastor Lawrence and Martha Temfwe. For the final week, I will meet up with my supervisor, Dr. Emilie DeYoung and Dr. Catherine Mueller-Bell. These two incredible ladies have written and presented a manual to Zambian pastors as well as volunteers about the importance of caring for children and trauma in previous trips. We will revise this manual with cultural implications and spend time with the counselors who are actively using it.

While a door has been opened for me to develop a greater heart of compassion for God’s people around the world, the exciting part is that you will be able to share in this journey with me. I will need many prayers for this trip- prayers for courage, peace, wisdom, health, travel, discernment; prayers for the impact on my heart and on Zambia. Prayers for my family, friends, and clients while I am away and lots of prayers that I don’t see any snakes - please! I plan on keeping a blog and posting photos while I am there when I can get access to the internet.  

I also need financial support. My trip will cost around $6,000 and I trust that God will provide. This will cover my transportation, lodging, food, and other expenses for the month. If you are able to give financially, please make checks payable to Winning At Home and send to:

ATTN: Mavis Winning at Home

 300 S State Street Suite 13

Zeeland, MI 49464

Please add a sticky note onto the check (NOTE: NOT in the memo field***) that says “Mavis-Zambia.” Please send in your donations by April 28^th. You will receive a tax deduction letter from WAH for 2017. 

 I am so grateful for your prayers and if you feel led to contribute financially, your support will be greatly appreciated as well.  My heart is so thankful for this opportunity to love on God’s children and so many other incredible people.

Blessings,

Mavis Szubelak