whiplash?

(originally posted 3/29/17)

My heart feels like a lone passenger on tilt-a-whirl lately. Sometimes I feel in control of the spinning, but usually not. Sometimes it goes dizzyingly fast and sometimes it gets annoyingly stuck, no matter how hard I try to sway the cart in a direction. Today I feel like both—stuck and detached yet uncontrollably whirling and spinning all at the same time.

Like my body has stopped, but my insides are all still moving. Like whiplash.

Is this a spiritual whiplash? But like the opposite, like a pre-lash?

I have not been feeling well lately (really it feels like all of the whole winter I haven’t felt well, overgeneralization, but for real). A friend said today “maybe it’s just stress.” My gut reaction was “but I have nothing to be stressed about, I just need to get over it, this isn’t a big deal.”

So I could try to bully myself out of my feelings right now, or I could just notice them and validate them…

Yes, I am stressed. No, I don’t want to be and my inner perfectionist doesn’t think its “valid” for me to be either. But in reality, I am trying really hard to mentally prepare for this trip as if it’s possible. It’s like I am trying to either process through all the emotions I haven’t had yet, or I am try to build a wall so I don’t feel them because I am afraid to feel them.

The last two times I have come home from Zambia I have been grumpy. Really grumpy. And weepy and unsettled. I WANT to be those things, and I don’t at the same time. I WANT Jesus to break my heart, and I don’t at the same time. The blurry- it’s beautiful and it’s hard.

I am better at clear boxes. Black or white, yes or no.

Exams.

Oh I get so excited about tests and “measuring what I have learned.” Make it something more abstract like “let’s examine your soul” and then I get a little queasier and a little less confident. Blurry.  Whiplash-y.

What does my soul look like to you, Jesus? Where do you see joy, where do you see pain? Do you see them in the same places I do, or do you see something else? Where am I blurry, what parts are blurry? Are they blurry to you? 

This is way harder than studying for an exam. I don’t know how to define “progress” – because when I start trying to “measure” things that’s usually a great indicator that I am looking down the WRONG road and trying to judge myself again. Faith certainly does not fit in a spreadsheet. I can’t “cram” for this. I can’t process and feel my whole trip before I go, and I certainly don’t want to put a wall around my heart to avoid feeling it when I am there.

My soul needs some Dramamine (aka drama-queen as my sister calls it)

Psalm 4

¹ Answer me when I call to you,
    my righteous God.
Give me relief from my distress;
    have mercy on me and hear my prayer.

² How long will you people turn my glory into shame?
    How long will you love delusions and seek false gods
³ Know that the Lord has set apart his faithful servant for himself;
    the Lord hears when I call to him.

⁴ Tremble and do not sin;
    when you are on your beds,
    search your hearts and be silent.
⁵ Offer the sacrifices of the righteous
    and trust in the Lord.

⁶ Many, Lord, are asking, “Who will bring us prosperity?”
    Let the light of your face shine on us.
⁷ Fill my heart with joy
    when their grain and new wine abound.

⁸ In peace I will lie down and sleep,
    for you alone, Lord,
    make me dwell in safety.